Why I am a terrible Punisher

I have to admit that there is one thing to do with children that I find really hard.

No, not throw up-or blood-or broken bones-not even the birds and the bees...
Me I have a hard time spanking.

Although I know they need it, although that is the only thing that sometimes needs to be done. Well, it is so freaking hard for me. Unless I am really, really mad.

We had two children that deserved spankings this week.
My Mini-Me who is almost never bad had two episodes that both deserved spankings. The first one she got grounded-since I always give a second chance. The biggest rule at my house is not put your hands on anyone else and she broke that rule. So, grounded and then a few days later-she pulls a knife on her brothers-yes and not a fun play knife-one from the board! So yes she deserved a spanking-I couldn't bring myself to do it-so let Hubby do it. At first he said "I will spank her with the belt"-noooo...not that. Her butt is way too little. So he said he would use his hand and when I called back a few minutes later-the deed was done-when I asked how many whacks she got...three...ok.

So then tonight well Tweeny Todd got upset because there was an extra pan to wash-I mean screaming, tears, and alot of "no, I am not doing it". So, he was grounded, then I felt bad and I started doing the dishes. I got in trouble with hubby cause he was going to make him do them. Well I left him the pans and he came out of his room and started about how we didn't care, he couldn't wait to move off and never see my face again! Well that was the stick that broke the camels back and that started an hour long-"poor me" ending with a spanking. My hubby handed me the belt-and I gave him chances to get out of it and he wouldn't so I told him he could have 20 licks-but once I got out 10 I couldn't do it and left. My hubby said that was not even hard and he was screaming "is that it-it was only 10-why was it not harder". My hubby yelled back to him"Because she loves you" Wait TT's little mind started going-I thought they didn't even care and yet she can't spank me.

So even though I will do it I hate hitting them, I hate spanking them because it makes me think of my childhood and that was not good.

Changes

Time changes and there are times when I wish that things would stay the same. Then again, change is good. So, what me-nothing has changed me lately? Well thoughts that are in my mind make me wonder what is going on-am I crazy-what should I do with all these thoughts. I have not been writing because well I get busy doing-who knows and never get to write down what is going on.

Well it is April and in May I am going to walk across the stage and become a college graduate. I have been looking hard for a job, one that has a promise of perhaps paying for those loans I took out to get trough college. I recently had to go to the doctor so I'm trying harder than ever to find a job that has health insurance benefits. My job now has the benefit of your birthday as a paid holiday-whoppee!! Anyway, good new on that front is that I got a slight raise, I am now salaried, witch means that I don't have to do the clock watching.

So,in my Private life there is so, so much that I could write here. We were doing so well, we were actually connecting in ways that were wonderful-then nothing. Literally every thing stopped and he began the great-play on the computer all the freaking time. I mean I love him and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, that he just does this like I like to read books-but at least if he asked me to, I would be there to watch TV with him, I would stop everything if he were to just ask-him-no way-no way at all. Sometimes I fell totally alone when he is right in the room with me-so what to do-scream, cry? No, i will just write it down and every now and then complain about it. So sad-

The kids-well they are a constant happy place, except they have the terrible fighting problem. Only with each other-fight about everything and it is soooo incredibly annoying, I want to cry with frustration-but hey that would just not work! Evan is totally teenage annoying and the other two are just regular child annoying.

This post sounds like I am unhappy-unfortunately right now-that happens to be true!

wow am I slack!

Yes indeed, I let February pass by without blogging-well, I am also drinking Diet Coke more-less water-wrong way right? There has been action around the house-too much for this women to tell you the truth. Last year at this time I was stressed out about the wedding, this year I am trying not to kill my children, well one really.

Evan had a birthday in Feb-making him 12 years old! A real tween-yes we have hit the puberty time. I am a little discombobulated-cause I remeber being a little weird feeling, but then again I started my period and grew titties. What exactly happens to a boy-not so sure. I try to understand but the disrespect, the dishonesty, the constant mind peircing "no""don't want to", I swear I understand why my parents liked to smack me and my brothers. Eye rolling-all of it. Well, it finally all went "BOOM" last week. I got a call that Evan had been in an altercation in the hallway with another student. He was suspended from school for three days. So, he was grounded, he was talked to. I try my best, I give it all I got and just feel let down each time. I felt at the end of my rope, so who do I ask for parenting advice from-my parents. I think I was really desperate, right. Well, they all said that maybe it was that they didn't feel like they got alone time with us.

So, my solution-every wednesday we will play a family game together-or watch a movie-I already picked one child per week to decide what to do. That way less fighting. Also I am having a breakfast date with each of the kids-Kyle was this weekend. He wanted IHOP-I tried to converse, but he was too interested in eating his pancakes and going to Walmart to pick out his birthday present. Yes my little boy turned 8 yesterday-crazy, they are all getting so old-not babies anymore.

So, then I had a little scare of my own. My normally right on time aunt Flo-she decided not to come on time. So, by Saturday it had been like 9 days and I was getting a little nutty thinking-what if. Well, my problem is that my tubes are tied-well clipped really, so if I did get pregnant-it may be in the tube and could cause some mega problems. Well, I told hubby I was worried, he said not to, cause he was positive that he han't done the deed that caused pregnancy-but anyway!! Finally on Sunday Aunt Flo did show her ugly little head. What this scare did to me, like the scare in July is does hubby want a baby? I do, well at least I will take it if it happens, it would be a miracle, so I would gladly accept a new baby. Hubby, well I don't know. I think he is thinking that three is enough-but if it happened then he would work with it then. So, I know I will not be getting the $4000 or more surgery, so what is left-well there are millions of babies that are given away each year-some that just need a home. So, maybe when we get our new house with enough room, I can talk him into adopting a baby-or two!:)

Old Prayer

Ok, I found this when I was cleaning my office-it is a favorite of mine, originally sent in an e-mail. I think it is great.

Dear Lord,
I thank you for this day. I thank you for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because you are a forgiving God and an understanding god. You have done so much for me and you keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day, to clear my mind so that I ca hear from yo. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

And it's best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, you listen to my heart. continue to use me to do your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for tose who don't know you intimately. I pray for those who don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love, and joy int heir homes that they are out of debt and all their needs me. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in your hands for you to fight.

I pray these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

Week Two of 2008

I am happy to report that I have been doing well, not eating bad things, drinking water... then my mom came to visit. She made treats for me-am I to say no-that may hurt her feelings-then Grandma also visiting made me cookies. Well, you know I had to eat a few-each day-every few hours. Well, anyway then my MIL made supper both nights. Great I don't have to cook! Not so great I can not control portion, salt, butter, etc... But I did get a steak and Lasanga-homemade-oh so good! So today I woke up-after 8 lb lost last week to 3 lb gain-probaly water retention-I hope! So, wa,wa,wa I will start again-no big deal-tey are not cooking for me anymore! I can control myself-I did good-I did not eat all the cookies-gave the kids and dog and Hubby ate some too! It was just that I did get a few-they were good too-so was the Diet Coke with them!!

In other news- Tweeny Todd is struggling with asking a girl out. He acts as if he were totally in love-but unable to tell her "you're pretty!". He talked with me and some how the conversation took on a "sex talk" vibe-quickly I did not want to insist that my teenege son tell me about sex, he asked I answered, Then heard the words-"when it is time...ask your Dad how to use a condom", oh shit I think I just told him it was ok to have sex-wait I recant-no sex-ever! Darn too late!! Then again me and my hubby already know he has taken condoms from our drawer-we know cause we don't use them and they are missing-this means he was in the "play" drawer and we wonder when he will ask what all that was for-I am worried!!

As long as Mini-Me doesn't ask-we are all good!

Weekend Havoc

Well, this weekend I have done bad with the drinking-I am presently drinking Cherry Diet Coke and it is heavenly! I promise to get back to the water drinking. Maybe-definatly!

So, I got out of bed late-really just lounged around and watched movies with Hubby! It was great because no matter what happens the weekend helps us to reconnect with eachother. We can hold on and be comfortable. We are still enjoying being newly weds, the one year mark is approaching and we will no longer be newly weds-then we will just be regular old married folks. That is fine with me, cause when I remember the first marriage-I barely survived the first year intact. So, it is a releif that we have so little that we disagree on. It makes me smile that we have never yelled at eachother-compared to the constant screaming of the first one. I am so happy that I have a partner and not just a husband. I had waited for this for a long time-to find someone who could fufill all my requirements-friend, lover, companion, and able to get over my little problems.

3 days into 2008-Update

ok-day three of "new" changes...

I have done well with the water-I have drank 8 glasses a day-No Diet Coke(do you have any?)

My kids are driving me crazy-

I want to know when it became my job to do everything. I do work full-time, however I have to do everything else-wash clothes, clean house, do hair, clean, cook, clean, cook-wait when did I become Betty Crocker HouseWife.

Well, and now we know why I want to eat too much and drink! Then there is work!

Soap Box Derby

Ok, I was watching the television last night and there were a couple of things that disturbed me. Here are the top one!

1-Commercial for laptop around the world. This guy came on and talked about how they were trying to get a laptop into the hands of everykid in the devloping worlds. Ok I have a few problems with this. First problem why don't we worry about getting the kid fresh water, food, farming equipment for his family, why not build him a house that doesn't leak or get too hot or cold. I know that education is important-I know this but what good is a freaking laptop going to do this child who has nothing else?? The second thing that there are kids in America-you know the country you live and pay taxes in-that do not have laptops-schools that do not have enough teachers-books-supplies,they pay our teacher shit and then think that we should help the other countries. And don't even get me started on how many sick, hungry, cold, wet, and deprivedpeople we have living in our Country!! But hey we need to make sure that thrid world countries have laptops! Bullshit-we need to focus on our country-take care of our people, when there are no more hungry homeless or abused children and women in this country I will be glad to give money for other countries!

Ok, enough from me! I just have a sore spot there and a couple other places. America is always so worried aout other countries and all the while Our Country is struggling. I give to charities that need support-Animal Sheters, Battered Women, Salvation Army, I recycle clothes, I give money, food. I do not buy unneeded and unwanted things for the family. I want America to survive, I want Americans to have enough! I guess that just makes me an American.

So, the only other thing that bothers me is my Mother and all her cramming of useless infrmation to me and then her advice-which as one person said is more like assvice! But that is another blog for another day!!

Tweens and other Hell

I have a Tween-he thinks he is 20 and acts like he is 4. Yesterday he decided that he didn't need to do the dishes-this is he one task other than his room that is a regular thing. Yes, I am mean and make my children clean up after themselves instead of doing it for them. I am evil in their eyes because of my normal parenting. I am a loyal home when the streetlights come on, do your homework, pick up your stuff, use yes mam/sir-no mam/sir, please/thank you, all that stuff. My kids always try the "so-and-so's parents", never works. anyway back to Tweeny Todd I will call him.

So he is a tween, 11 years old with a couple of slightly older Friends 12 and 15 to be exact. So, after he lost the "holiday-I don't have to do dishes" and started the dishwasher, he came into my room. I am a new user of My space and this Blogger space. He asks me-can I have a my space account. Let me see "not just no, but hell no!!", I have watched too many "To Catch a Predator" to want him to be available to crazy people. I politely say no-you are not old enough. My Hubby points out and you have to have an e-mail address. TT preceeds to scream about how we are always mean to him, how we never let him do anything, blah,blah,blah-many hormonal rages later. I calmly scream"Stop it, you are too young and you have no need for 1:e-mail and 2:my space pages. " TT still not believing that his once very "rug" of a mother has said no-begins to cry-yes ladies and gentlemen-cry! He was literally crying about having these things, so I said "exactly my point, you are not old enough". TT Leaves room and immediately starts a fight with my youngest son-Baby Boy as I will call him. Baby Boy is the middle child, but is mostly treated like the youngest due to his little impediments and the fact that his 14 month younger sister thinks she is his mom(wiping noses and everything). So,TT know who to set his hormonal outrage on. After Mini-Me goes and stops the fight, I was right behind her-helping when needed-but she for real had this!

A few minutes later a more confident and "adult acting" TT came to my room ans laid down a carefully thought out plan-so I shot him down and he left screaming again!

That was last night-I did try to set him all that up but as I and hubby had explained he was too young to have either site and we were absolutely not lieing about his age to get him one0he will have to wait until he is old enough. Then we come to this morning,yes the very first day of the new year and TT is in rare form. Upset that I had taken the opportunely to sleep in, it was 9 am I should have been up! Not taking into consideration that my Baby Dog had already been walked, feed, played with, I had emptied the dishwasher made MM and BB breakfast, and cleaned the nasty cat pans(eww, i hate this, cats stay outside during day when I am around-hubby has been off and refuses to 1:kick them out or 2:clean their mess-they are his cats!!), then when I saw the warm, comfy back of my beloved hubby, could not resist and climbed back in-well I was being lazy. Then TT had a thought-sleepy mom=dumb mom, I will ask her if I can do totally ridiculous things and she will say yes-NOT. My babysitter and friend up the street has two older boys-afford stated-they have been skateboarding since birth I believe. She and her husband built a totally awesome half-pike in their yard. TT wanted to ride it, TT has been skating for , let me see 2 weeks, I said no. He said i needed to let him grow up-this in itself brings the pissy out of me. Then he proceeds to tell me he is responsible, that I have to teach him how to blah,blah-I think he has missed that I have been doing that since birth. I am now in the kitchen-hubby disgruntled went to "office" to avoid interaction. I am still trying to explain all this to TT when he tells me, very venomously"I wish we had never moved here" followed by a "you made another mistake" followed by" I wish I lived with my grandparents", I felt the urge to beat him until he loves me, but he is considerably large and hard to handle so instead I said-That's nice honey-now I am going into my room.

When I was a single mother I would have caved, because it is so hard to have a backbone when they tell you how you have messed up, you feel guilty. Lately TT has been upset because he cannot get me backed into corners-I am right where I am supposed to be. They have a father and now they think twice, but TT is a tween and hormones are making his brain swell to the point he is becoming increasingly for a less pc way-retarded. Go me!! and I have how many more years of this? Followed by more years when BB and MM go trough it! I am so screwed! Hopefully I will not have a breakdown or heartattack.